I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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