yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
