If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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