She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
