Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
should my penis look like a turkey
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
