You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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