i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
