you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
