i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
