Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
