dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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