He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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