FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
