I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
