Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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