We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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