Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
