last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
