I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just want nice things and good sex
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
