we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
