He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
