I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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