So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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