I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This baby is an asshole
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
