I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
