you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
