omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
