but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
