so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
