Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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