3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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