He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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