Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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