Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
