We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
