So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
