I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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