I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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