The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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