Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
