Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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