He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Non-Jews are for practice
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
