i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
