he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
