she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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