im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize