So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
