Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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