I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She told me I should be a condom model.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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