Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
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