my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
