my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
