Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
