Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
