I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
