I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
