her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
