The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
