Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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