i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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